Mothers are born not made, or is it made not born? I’m confused…
Do you know what I think is one of the biggest lies (or misconceptions) going about motherhood? It’s that mothers are born, not made.
Mothers are not born, babies are.
Mothers are no more born in birth than babies are – both are truly made in the lifetime that follows. They are shaped through the feeding and sleeping issues of a newborn, the tears and tantrums of a toddler and the years of spilt milk, lost homework, scraped knees and broken hearts that follow. My guess is that mothers never stop being made, just as their children never stop growing – even when it’s into parenthood of their own.
I’ve lost count of the number of times I have heard a mum say “I’m just not cut out for being at home with the kids, we’re all better off with me working – happy mum a happy home and all that….”
My observations of mothers lead me to one conclusion – about 1% of the parenting popular fit the category of “being cut out” for life at home with small children.
The other 99% of mothers who are at home full or mostly-full time with their kids are there for a whole host of reasons that have nothing to do with being “cut out for it”.
I feel deeply sad about the lie that tells women and men that some people were “just born to be a mother”. It sets the majority up for failure…or for an idea that motherhood is something that should just come naturally. How can something as life altering as taking care of small, entirely dependent and yet strong willed person 24/7 be something that comes naturally?!?! Let’s get real for a moment.
If you want to work, work – no worries. But if you want to work because you feel like being at home with the kids “just isn’t for you” then please let me encourage you that most other mums feel like that too. Last week when Bliss came into the bathroom while I was showering just to let me know that Bear had opened and spilt the milk and that it was now “just like a waterfall” I was not filled with delight. Especially not since I’d started the day at 4.30am. Standing the kitchen, sopping wet and trying to mop up the mess without dropping my towel, I thought about how much simpler life would be if someone else could just deal with the it. But then I realised that someone else would also get to enjoy all the amazing times too. Being at home with the kids is a really worthwhile and surprisingly enjoyable experience…but a bit like everything else in life, it’ not great all the time. Don’t feel you have to opt out of that time because you’re not “cut out for it”. The surprising truth is that we learn to parent from our kids – and it just takes time.
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Very true. My most popular post to date is “I hate being a mother”. It has shocked me how many mothers search the internet for “I hate being a mom/mum/mother”. It seems most of us are fooled by the Kleenex and Huggies ads (I know I was) to think that it will be some angelic, euphoric time in our lives. There certainly are moments like this and there are women who just love being a mum. For most of it’s about letting go of unrealistic expectations and doing what we need to do to be happy.
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Thanks Dorothy, I know what you mean – it is sad. The picture of motherhood that most of us grow up with is just really unhelpful when it comes to living the reality of day to day parenting! Thanks for sharing your thoughts and post. x
Whilst I enjoy reading your posts, it just reinforces to me that it’s other mothers who make working mums feel guilty. Your family seems to have a very blessed life with multiple overseas holidays and regular treats. My husband and I have working class jobs but we really wanted to be parents. The reality is the money for us has to come from somewhere and Rather than relying on welfare, we work in our low paid jobs full time and cherish the time we spend together as a family. I think your post about being with your kids full time assumes that you clearly have your finances in place and I’m happy for you that this is the case but every family doesn’t have this luxury.
Hi Amanda, I’m so glad you felt you could leave this comment and I am sorry if I have made you feel worse in writing this post. It’s true my husband and I have been very blessed, though I am actually not a full time SAHM in the traditional sense. I run a business, which I started 18 months ago (I initially went back to work when Bliss was 10months) and I work approx 4days a week just very different hours to most – I am often up at 4.30-5am working before the kids get up and then staying up til middnight on other nights to get things done. The holidays have been wonderful though I’m not sure if you saw that our recent trip to NYC was part of a sponsorship opportunity for the blog so while we paid the difference it wasn’t something we would have otherwise done and the holiday earlier this year was paid for by my inlaws as it was something they wanted to do and organised (my MIL is from Malaysia and so we went to visit family etc… too). I am only telling you this to give you the bigger picture which can easily be lost in the ins and outs of individual posts. I wrote this post to encourage those mums who feel like they aren’t cut out to be at home but want to be there, to think about it & their parenting differently. Being a mum is really hard, whether you are working in or out of the home, but I don’t have to tell you that. I’m really sorry if you felt that I was having a go at those who work. It sounds like you and your husband are amazing, dedicated people and I am really honoured that you read this blog and have taken the time to comment. x
So very true, Such a wonderful read!
I have been lucky enough to be able to be a stay at home mum for all my babies.
Now that my little guy is about to turn 5, he will be starting ‘Big school’ next year, it is time for me to get back in to the work force. I am unsure how i feel about this at the moment. Not spending every waking moment with my kids is certainly going to feel strange. But, what i do know for sure, is that i would not have given up the last few years for anything.
Being a ‘SAHM’, has been alot of different things, happy, sad, defiantly not always easy. Most of all it has been a blessing to be able to have been there for all my babies ‘Firsts’. (First smile/giggle, First words, First steps etc)
I have really enjoyed being a ‘full-time’ Stay at home mum!
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I agree with you! And man, do I work hard at being a Mama – just as much as I did at any job I’ve had. It’s not a “natural” thing for me at all!!! The only natural thing for me is loving my kids and wanting to do the best I can for them. What our best is in our four walls is different to other people’s version and that’s totally cool. When people tell me that I’m a, “great Mum” for spending time and doing activities with my boys I tell them I don’t see it that way, I’m just doing my best to raise my babies is all….and not a jot of it has come naturally! I’ve just returned to work now my baby is 9 months old and it’s a real struggle to fit it all in as my job is similar to yours in that I have a lot of work to do at home as well as at the workplace…I’m getting up at 4am to do the work I need to do at home so that it impacts my family as little as possible. I really think it’s sad that people don’t give the SAH “stuff” the chance it deserves and that the economic realities mean that a lot of people have to make two incomes in order to pay their bills. Great post! x
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So well said. I never thought I would be at home with my child because I have always worked but illness changed all that. I do my best and that is all I can ask.
I love that you are realistic and positive at the same time in this post. And beautiful. Those pics are gorgeous :)
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I’m a stepmother, not a mother. This changes my perception of things GREATLY as I’m not a real mum (and you can read my post about how much that particular chestnut hurts here) but being a stepmother, viewing other stepmothers, learning from other stepmothers just reinforces to me the following saying: Giving birth doesn’t make you a mother any more than buying a piano makes you a pianist. It’s what follows that matters.
Intersting post, I do believe that not all mums find that motherhood comes naturally, however for me it did. The way I do things and how I approach certain situations, I get many complements about how natural it seems to come. That being said, its by no means easy and some days are just crap! ?Just because I feel it came naturally for me doesn’t by any means make it so much easier or make me feel like being a SAHM is the only way to go. I also do believe that some women while they may feel motherhood doesn’t come naturally for them, they do learnt it and its how they intereact with their kids that teaches them how to be the best mum to them. I often wondered how mums who work can balance family and work life, because I used to work and I often felt like going crazy with the work load and the guilt I would feel now and then. I started back at work because hubby started his own business and financially it was necessary. Only just recently did I stop working and I am simply run off my feet getting things done. I honestly thought not working would make my life easier, but I realised quickly that was just a dream!!! I do love the time I have with my kids and I know they are behaving better because I am on top of them more than I used to be because I used to be so tired and I didn’t do things the way I should have. At the end of the day its up to mum to work out what she needs. The only thing I would say is if you regret not being their for your kids and you didn’t really ‘have’(financially speaking) to work, then I feel sorry for you because you can’t get that time back.
Interesting post Louisa. I agree that it does take commitment to stay at home with the kids full time, particularly when many friends are back at work and you feel like you are missing out in some way. I once read this about the early years with your kids – “the days are long but the years are short”. A good one to remember when I feel like I’m going round the twist.
This post rung so very true for me. Some days being a SAHM really feels like ground hog day, some days just suck, but aren’t all jobs the same? There are some parts you will enjoy (jumping on a trampoline and giggling with your toddler) and other parts not so much (the nightly battle to get dressed), but that’s just how things work. It’s life.
I always thought I would be a full-time working mum but after having my son I realised that while I don’t particularly like the mundane and the inane, I also don’t want to miss out on the special moments that are wedged between them like precious gems.
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Interesting post. As a mother of three children I really struggle with this. Some days I think it would be easier to just go to work. At the moment I am on maternity leave but know in 3-4 month this will all come to an end. I am truly blessed to have the best of both worlds I believe. I work two days a week which enables me to keep my sanity and have adult conversations. It can get quite isolating staying at home full time if you don’t have a big support network such as mothers group, playgroup etc. I really struggled with this when I had my first child as we had just moved house he had reflux and I was not coping. I really missed the adult interaction.
I love how your blog and your replies are so encouraging, non judgemental and inspirational to all women regardless of the situation they are in. It empowers us in our role as mother and wife and enables us to do our job with confidence. Thanks.