Louisa Claire

Opinion

Follow Your Heart…On Love, Marriage and Kim Kardashian

It’s old news now that Kim Kardashian split from her husand Kris Humprhies after only 72days of marriage.

I actually don’t get the whole Kardashian thing so I’m a little surprised to find myself writing a post about them but I just can’t get over the 72day marriage. How is it that someone can get married for love and then end the relationship so quickly? Moreover, to end the marriage without actually discussing it with your spouse is just something I can’t understand. At all.

Kim said on her blog

Everyone that knows me knows that I’m a hopeless romantic! I love with all of my heart and soul. I want a family and babies and a real life so badly that maybe I rushed in to something too soon. I believed in love and the dream of what I wanted so badly. I felt like I was on a fast roller coaster and couldn’t get off when now I know I probably should have. I got caught up with the hoopla and the filming of the TV show that when I probably should have ended my relationship, I didn’t know how to and didn’t want to disappoint a lot of people.

 

That’s pretty honest and good on her for that. Poor Kris, of course.

There have been a lot of jokes made at the expense of Kim this week, the twitter hashtag #thingslongerthankimsmarriage being just one of them. The thing that has struck me over the past week is the number of references Kim and her family have made to the importance of “following your heart” and “being happy”.

Being happy is heralded as the holy grail of life these days. But what about when doing what makes me happy, makes someone else miserable? What if I’m the person made miserable by someone else’s choice to be happy – what then? What about when doing what makes me happy doesn’t last? Is happiness really the goal and if so, what does it mean to be happy?

When I did a little google image search about being happy I came up with several charts like this…

happiness chart, how to be happy
I get what this chart is about, I do. BUT I think it’s flawed. We can’t always change our circumstances and we can almost never change the people around us but there’s one thing we can do – look at ourselves; our attitudes, our outlooks, our response to live and we can change that.

I’ve got a little story to illustrate my point (of course I do!)

My grandparents are 93 and 90 and up until this week have been living at home. It’s been a rough few years for them, dealing with fledging health, heart attacks and deep grief over the death of their daughter, my beloved aunt, last year. But they’ve kept going for one reason – my grandmother has resolutely refused to even consider leaving her home and moving into a nursing home.

Last week the choice ceased to be hers. She, and my grandfather, having spent considerable time in hospital and rehabilitation centers this year have had to move into a home. My parents and uncle worked really hard to find them a nice place where they could be together and they are in co-joining rooms. The family have moved in pictures and photos and furniture to make it feel more like home and this morning my Mum told me this…


You would be so proud of your grandmother. She has adjusted to this move so wonderfully! She told me last week that she realised she had two choices – she could see this as the end, or she could see it as the beginning of a new era. She’s decided to do just that and is coping so well with it.

 

Mum’s right, I am proud of Ma. I’m also immensely proud of my family who have helped them with this huge adjustment.

Life is a series of choices, there’s come a point in life when those choices stop being about just you singular and start being about you plural – the family and even friends you share you life with. When you marry, your choices become about “us” and “them” and even more so when you have children. We stop making choices about “me” when we stop being children. Or at least, that’s what I think.

More deeply than that there’s something I realised before I got married that I think is true for most couples There will come a day when you will want to leave your marriage. You will look at your life and think “I want out”. In that moment you will have a choice to make – will you choose to live in that moment, or will you choose to pursue the bigger picture? I don’t know a single married couple (I’m talking long time married couple) who haven’t faced that choice and I am so blessed to know lots who have chosen the latter and have rich, beautiful marriages because of their commitment to the bigger picture, to taking the long term view about happiness and contentment. I am so blessed to know these people and to have heard those stories because when I  look at my husband and our family I know that I don’t ever want to stop taking the long view*.

Over to you – what does happiness mean for you? Is it the holy grail for you?

*The Architect and I are really happy and great at the moment. The last time I mentioned something like this people were concerned that we were having a rough time and while life with little kids, a mortgage and cat isn’t going to be smooth sailing 24/7, we’re good and we keep working together to keep it that way. x

Update: Maxabella has written a great post on happiness this week too – I suggest you check it out here: What Does Happiness Look Like?

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Thoughts on “Follow Your Heart…On Love, Marriage and Kim Kardashian

  1. Ohhh, bless your grandmother – what a beautiful outlook!
    I am one of those singles who gets to chose me me me everytime, so I am always interested in hearing what the other half do! But I think happiness is about taking the journey and making the choices that are right at the time, and happiness comes with that freedom and self determination….
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  2. Love your thought on this Louisa. I have taken the long view many many times. With a busy husband and household I have had those moments in my life where leaving and walking out seemed like such an easier and better option. That is not what I signed up for though when I got married. Matt and I only dated for 4 weeks before got engaged and married three months later. But when we got married we were committed to work through whatever came our way. I believe some couples give up too easily. Sometimes it is for the best but mostly, all that is required is a change of heart and thinking. I love the examples you have in your family, just beautiful. N x
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  3. I love this post, it’s beautiful and articulate and what I’ve been wanting to say. (I’ve stayed away from KK posts, as I’d not watched the show and so new literally nothing about the relationship or her husband).

    I’m in what is probably a rare position. My marriage has been the easiest thing about my entire life. Being with Joel is unquestionably, blessedly easy. But my health has been extraordinarily poor and a real struggle for both of us to handle and work around.

    So I look at him and I think “Your life would be SO much better, SO much easier if you left. If we co parented the children, but you lived your own life. My illness is such a drain on him, there are so many sacrifices he’s had to make because of me”. And every time I say anything remotely along those lines he gives me too lines. First “But I love you and you’re my beautiful wife. I don’t want to be anywhere else”. And second “What happened to ‘In sickness and in health’? I meant it when I said it”.

    Maybe he’d be happier without me. He swears it’s not true. But more than that, he proves it every single day by CHOOSING to make the best of it, be loving, make this family happy and wonderful.

    I DO feel sorry for KK’s husband. I don’t think 2 months is enough time for ANYone to stick out and really attempt to make something work. I’m so thankful I married someone who understood commitment.

    Your grandparents sound like amazing people. One day I want to be like them!
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  4. I am a big believer in the long view of marriage. Luke and I are surrounded by couples who have been married for at least 40 years (my parents, his parents, at least one set of grandparents each made 60 years), and although it’s clear that being married for that long is far from easy, it is watching these couples work together to work together (if you know what I mean) that makes marriage easier for us than it may have otherwise been.
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  5. Your grandparents sound like fabulously wise and loving people…such a sweet story! As for me…i think happiness is important but being content is more rewarding. Finding the beauty in what you have already created rather than the elusive search for the ‘perfect happy’. Sometimes, its easy to see the riches in your life and other times, not so much.

    I know that in my 4 years of marriage there have already been some major hurdles…times when it would have been a lot easier to go our separate ways – but when you stay, work on it and then realize that your love has deepened one more level…that makes for some true contentment right there!
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  6. What a fab post. Great to see the other side of the KK split. I got married at 20, and had one of those “I don’t like this life” moments soon after. To this day – 3 kids, 12 years of marriage later – I am so thankful that #1Hubby persevered with me, and I got over it. Don’t know what I’d do without him, and shudder to think what my life would be like without our kids and the “comfort” and ease that comes with being married to my best friend for so long.

  7. I’m totally with you. And what really frutrates me is parents who have the goal to raise ‘happy’ children, like that is the only important thing. What about moral children? Because morality brings happiness and causes happiness.

    Your grandparents sound fantastic. Boatmans were like that when they moved into a home a few years ago. Unfortuanately they have both passed now, (at 96 and 95 y/o), but they made the best of it while they were there. Such a role model to us all.
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  8. Your grandparents sound so sweet. So glad to hear they have adjusted to their new home and have such a positive outlook. What you have written is true, but every circumstance is different. I know somebody who left a marriage after less than 2 years…not because she wanted to and not because she didn’t want to look at the bigger picture, but because holding on would have meant she would have drowned. She had to cut herself free to save herself, even if it meant her husband would “drown”. Love is complicated.

  9. I once saw a therapist who’s attitude towards happiness bordered on disdain. It wasn’t that he thought that people shouldn’t be happy, it was that he saw what the inability to attain the idealised version of a ‘happy’ life does to people. We can’t all be happy all of the time. It’s nice to be happy some or most of the time, but real life has ups and downs.
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  10. I think many of us strive for “happiness” when it’s already there. We get so caught up in the busyness of life we miss what is right in front of us. We say when I have a bigger house, when I’ve lost weight when when when…
    With marriage like parenting there is ups and downs, and you do have to look at the bigger picture and have some resilience and perspective. Nothing is ever perfect. You can’t comapre your life to another as there are so many individual and unique factors to consider.
    I wouldn’t tell any one to stay in a marriage if they felt like they were drowning, abused or no longer in love.
    Instilling values of empathy, understanding, resilience and appreciation is what this generation really needs. Working towards things together and not giving up at the first hurdle.Your grandparents have this and so do you xx

  11. I so agree with this. The ability to respond is what is important- to know that you have the choice to make the best of things or the worst. Your grandparents are such an inspiration.

    I think too many people focus on the wedding instead of the marriage, the romance instead of the love. Marriage is not easy. There are many hurdles and in our quick fix society we are so used to finding and taking the easiest path. Most people don’t realize that challenges are there to teach us something and to help us grow, once we work through them there is always light and a better way.

    Craig and I have always viewed our marriage as us being part of a team. when you view it like this you know that you are both working for something that is greater than each of us individually, so you work through those challenges. We drive each other nuts at times, and we’ve had those moments when chucking in the towel would be so easily, but that is not what team mates do, they find a way to win the game together.

  12. Am in tears reading this. I could see the bigger picture for my marriage and family. Unfortunately my husband betrayed me. Not with someone else, but by lying to me repeatedly and elaborately! Through difficult times we looked at ways to make things work, but all the time he’d been hiding things from me. We’ve now separated, and I know it’s for the best. It’s certainly the start of a new era, but I am grieving the loss of that bigger picture and those dreams of our future together. I’ve not told many people the truth about why we’ve separated. We have children and I don’t want them to hear anything negative about the man they adore. Selfishly though, I do worry that people will think I ran out of the marriage after 8 years without trying or seeing the bigger picture, which just isn’t the case! xx

  13. no marriage is easy.. it takes a lot of hard work and self sacrifice from both sides to make it work. If we all threw the towel in at the first hiccup there would not be a single married couple left today! your grandparents sound lovely I admire yo grandmother looking at it as a new beginning what a sweetheart x

  14. Good on your Grandparents. I think alot of our lives is determined by our attitudes.
    I have noticed alot lately (with people I know getting married) that alot of the emphasis of marriage is about the wedding. How much they put into it. How “dream-like” it is. All the baubles and trinkets. Chatting with my husband resently we both agreed that many of these people were not even considering the day after the wedding or honeymoon. Married is’nt about putting on a big show and living happily-ever-after it is about standing up for what you believe in and standing by a partner through thick and thin.

  15. My husband moved countries to be with me. We could of said ‘it’s too hard’ and given up – but we’ve been together now for 10 years +, married for 8 years and have 2 gorgeous kids. I’m so glad we worked on being together, it’s given me such a beautiful life.
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  16. Yes, and the key is that the two people need to work at a relationship and when one of them just wants to play the blame game it’s impossible and probably not worth it. My partner just ended our 2 year relationship because I think it was easier for him to do so than to work at what we had. I’m sad about it but if he caves during something relatively minor how would he go at a major hurdle?

    So happiness for me is a bit elusive at the moment but I’ll find it again. And I love the attitude of your grandparents. I’ve heard stories of a move at that age having a bad effect on their mental and physical health.
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  17. Beautifully written post Louisa. I love the storytelling here too. I love your grandparents! I agree with you: seeking happiness is such a focus these days…And while it’s not all bad, I like to look at thing like this: happiness mostly is a choice…just like your grandmother (bless her!). Happiness is deciding to be happy with what you have. It’s about making the most of every moment. It’s about turning things around and changing things if you can. It’s about accepting things you can’t change and making the best of it. Great post!
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  18. Oh how gorgeous are your grandparents – are so wise…! I hope that I think the same way when I am her age :) they are true testament to love.

    And it is true that no matter how happy the marriage you always have to work at it to keep it from going under. I’m a Kardashian fan (dont hold it against me!) but even I feared it was doomed from the beginning. But I though it might take at least 6 months before divorce bells rang…
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  20. your grandparents are the best example of true love. and they are so sweet too! your are so lucky and i can feel how you are truly proud of them. for me the true meaning of Happiness is being content/satisfied with what you have in life.

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