The Problem With Feminism
Before you think I am about to promote some ideal of the 1950s housewife who should be happy when her husband doesn’t cheat on her or beat her, relax. I’m not.
I’m also not going to pretend that I am able to fully comprehend how much life has changed for women in the west over the past 40 years.
I know and admire the women (and men) who decided that things needed to change, and who set about advocating for and creating that change often at great personal cost. Their stories are inspiring and I am grateful that we live in a society that is much more amenable to the concepts of equality (but I’m not going to pretend that they have been totally achieved as yet).
Feminism advocates for equal opportunity, and political, economic and social rights.
One practical implication of this has been the belief that women should be able to pursue their dreams and goals just as much as a men and that a mother who wants to have a successful career, should be able to pursue that – she is no long expected to be tied to the kitchen stove.
And that’s the problem I have with feminism – the message that our individual needs are more important than the corporate.
What would our society look like if the message had been: Family and children matter, they are worthy of our time and personal investment and doing this comes with sacrifice from both women and men.
What would it look like if instead of moving women into a “man’s world”, we had advocated moving men back into the home as active and engaged fathers and husbands? And I don’t just mean making them change some nappies, but I mean a radical upturning of the way men think about and are expected to operate in family life.
Most men don’t think they can “have it all” - they are taught that their role in life is not just to be breadwinners, but to have successful careers.
The other day I linked over to a speech by a British headmistress from Crash Test Mummy’s post about Having It All.
From the moment these little girls toddled into nursery school, we’ve been teaching them that their ambitions should have no limits.
We’ve told them there’s absolutely nothing that men can do that they can’t do at least as well. And they’ve proved it – girls now outperform boys at every academic stage.
We’ve told our daughters that nothing need stand in their way – not relationships, not marriage and certainly not children.
And, being ambitious, hard-working girls, they’ve learned the lesson only too well.
The young women we are sending out into the world believe they can have it all – and, if they don’t, they will have failed.
And what a tragedy that is, because the truth is that modern women can’t have it all. They may succeed in their careers and they may succeed as mothers, but to do both at the same time? No, that is not possible without making huge sacrifices which many will find simply too much.
My first reaction to that speech is a resounding yes. It is entirely unhelpful to proclaim to women that they can have it all, all the time.
My second reaction is that why is this still a woman’s problem?
It seems to me that the gap in the “equality movement” has been in how to better involve men in the life of family between the weekday hours of 7am-7pm. Western culture still largely requires that in order to get to the top, men and women must work long hours. Western Culture still largely advocates “getting to the top” as a priority. And so it is that large numbers of parents are spending their years as parents to young children, putting in the long hours to move up the ranks. That is, unless that have put off having children until they are in their late 30s, early 40s and then they experience a different raft of pressures and challenges
This issue isn’t easily overcome.
I live in a part of Melbourne that challenges me about this a lot. I’m just down the road from Reservoir Dad and I regularly see Dads out with their kids mid-week. It’s not uncommon for me to go to Mother’s Group and for one of the Dad’s to be there, many of the families in our mother’s group job-share, both working part-time and looking after the kids part-time. It’s normal over here to do that and that’s one of the values we love about this area that influenced our decision to move here. This is a very controversial statement but I’m going to put it out there – there are parts of Melbourne and Sydney and probably every other city in the world who talk a lot about “family values”, all while working 80hour weeks and living in beautiful houses having wonderful holidays. Then there are people, like the people I see around here every day, who never talk about “family values” – they just live them.
Can’t tell you how challenging this is for me (and us).
Bring it!
What do you think? How do you do it in your family?
Mummble
Stitch Baby + Kids
Our family is quite “traditional” in that hubby goes to work 5 days a week. But when he is home is a very engaged father. Bathtime is his job and he stays up late on baby duty while I head to bed early. Last night I got him out of bed at 1:30am because I had had enough, and he gladly took over until 4:30am. We both see the child raising as our equal job and both do our share of the housework.
I feel lucky that I can be at home with the kids.
Job sharing would be fantastic, but it’s not a reality for us.
I do what I can to work from home and hope to continue so that I can always be at home for my kids. Hubby also works from home from time to time.
If we both worked we could have some really lovely things. But there is time for that later.
I know the value of being here with my kids, even if society hasn’t quite caught on yet.
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Thought provoking, Louisa :)
And fairly spot on, in my opinion.
I think the ‘what about dads?’ argument has been going on for quite some time now (at least as long as I’ve had kids, so what, 10 years? Plus).
I do believe we are still stuck a bit in the “feminst” (as we know it) thiingy … where the movement some 40-50 years ago was more about the oppression of women, where they were perceived (mostly) merely as objects of their man’s desire, to cook, clean and dote on him and raise his heirs …etc
Women are no longer oppressed to the degree they were then (yes, yes, generalisation, still a long way to go, much more to be said on the topic etc etc), we DO have the opportunities to work, and laws that prevent descrimination against women (and mothers) for wanting to do so … the argument is no longer, necessarily, about oppression.
And as far as feminism – or this discussion anyway – goes, the focus needs to shift ever so slightly so as to touch on these issues you have so eloquently raised.
Whist we’ve changed our thinking to embrace women in the workforce (agian, much more to be said and done in this area) we have yet to embrace men being in the home and it being ok for them to be parents (and, yes, take on those roles that were once considered – and still are to a huge degrree, sadly – “women’s work”. Men need to be accepted, too.
Ooh, I rambled .. and fear I may have left stuff out that will cause upset. Apologies if I did. And, as a disclaimer – I said it before – it is NOT perfect, or sorted or completely ok … there is much more to be done, even with the issues addressed 40 odd years ago. But movement has been made in that area .. now move along …
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Great post as alawys. I try really hard not to think too much about the inequality of the role between hubby and me. We do try and keep a shared commitment to the family but that does normally fall on me, because he can’t do certain things for my mum and a teen daughter with lots of questions she would rather discuss with me. We both run our own businesses (crazy) and we share calenders so we that hubby can help me with kids, pickups, parties and activities, when he can. I feel overwhelmed at times with work but really try not to let it effect my fmily and will work late at night and early in the morning. I relax and m known to fll asleep on the couch with the kids around me.
My daughter is very aware and sees my jugging act daily, and she alawys thought it very “unfair” on women who have careers yet still deal with all the family stuff. She now sees that I am happy and really do what I can each day and lthough feminism is great in principle it is difficult to apply in the real world, as we are all unique with diffrent family situations.
I’m a career woman and mum, and if you read my blog you’ll see I’m not exactly doing the “having it all” thing very well at all… I am falling apart at the seams, in fact :)
So I definitely agree that, while we desperately want it to be so, “Having it all” – at once – is a near impossibility. Something has to give. In this case, my health.
I’m musing that a balance is probably workable. A 3-day week, perhaps… but not everyone’s lucky enough to have that opportunity.
And part-time workers quickly find they get put on the career backburner for not being ‘committed enough’, get left out of the loop and skipped over for promotions, so in a way it’s not ideal either.
I won’t bring my daughter up thinking she must have it all. I intend for her to see how hard it is, and make her own choices when the time comes.
Wish men helped more; but I don’t think we can change men… only ourselves. Men are (often) literal, visceral creatures and have no idea the depths of what’s going on inside us. We need to ask for help more, and accept it more. Recognise we deserve it more.
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Yes! Yes! Yes!
And I live in one of those other parts of Melbourne.
Sometimes I feel that what we have ended up with was a PUNISHMENT for the feminist movement. The paradigm that we have ended up with is the one that existed to begin with.
And I TRULY believe that the cost or us all is much to high.
Why have we ended up with society that so devalues children, their upbringing, and family.
I dont know, Louisa. I even have trouble discussing this with my sister. It just doesn’t compute for her.
And recently my 12 year old daughter shocked me when she told me about a discussion her school friends had been having about what to do if they got pregnant unexpectedly. She said that they had come to the conclusion that “that you’d just have an abortion” because they had more important things to do!!!! Now, our children have had a Christian upbringing, and even my unchurched husband is not pro-abortion, but even D thought that this was a sensible approach.
The morality of abortion isn’t my point here. Rather, it is the fact that all these young women have taken in the idea that everything – or rather, anything – that is available for them to achieve in life is more important than having a child, starting a family.
I am still stunned.
I know I haven’t any answers. I know I need to still think about this, and more importantly, find a way for my children to understand my concerns, values and hoped for them.
P.S Louisa- these are my favourite type of posts from your blog. What a big meaty topic!!
This is my own hobby horse, and all I can say is that I am trying VERY HARD to bring my own children up to be aware of this.
I think I am probably similar to Toushkas situation. My husband works 5 days for a large company that are actually pretty good at being family friendly. He salary sacrifices 2extra weeks of holidays a year so that he can take time off every school holidays. And once every couple of weeks everyone in his office must log off before 5pm as part of their policy to promote work/life balance…of course not huge advances but definitely a recognition which is great. I too have spent the last 10 years forging (trying to) a career that allows me to spend the majority of my time at home. My husband also has breakfast with the boys every morning and dinner nearly every night. When he is home he spends most of his time with the kids (I wouldn’t have had 5 otherwise) so I feel we are getting the balance quite well but I know many families that are not doing nearly so well. But as Nathalie said, we are all different and I think it’s more important to find a lifestyle that works for you and reflects your own family values.
I wonder if it might be time for a bit of ‘children’s liberation’? If our society valued children as much as it does corporate and financial success perhaps the focus would naturally fall on families? If we fought for the rights of our children as much as our right to ‘have a career and make money’ our community might be very different?
On a personal level we gave made a choice to give up some financial success so that I can stay home full time with our kids and so that my husband can structure his working hours to be around as much as he can, but it is not easy. Nit easy but for us, it is important. I often feel that ‘women’s lib’ should about me being able to make the right choices for me and my family, not about trying to have it all.
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What you are talking about is feminism. A more worthwhile and radical feminism than the more right wing model that you refer to – the we should just all become like men. Feminism for me is about reimagining masculinity as much as femininity, and without these changes to work and family life feminist goals cannot really be achieved.
Sadly my home often feels more 1950s than I would like. It is partly “choice”, whatever that means, partly reality that husbands income earning potential is so much higher (of course wholly exacerbated by being a stay at home mum now for many years, not lack of qualifications).
I would also note that men are never considered selfish for wanting to have it all. In fact, it is seen as their birthright. And while I have loved being at home with the children, I have reached a new point where for me it is not enough and I ache for something more for myself.
Michelle
I like that Michelle – radical, redefining. Bring it on! I hope you can find a way to pursue something new and just for you very soon!
I definitely agree with you that the issue of men contributing equally to family life needs to be addressed. In fact it seriously needs addressing, because you are right-while many women work as many hours paid work as men, they are statistically still doing the lion’s share of the domestic labour. I am completely grateful to feminism-or more accurately feminisms, as there are more than one type-for giving us choices. I think there’s still a long way to go on the road to achieving true equality certainly. However, had it not been for feminism we wouldn’t have equal pay for equal work (I know in reality women still earn less than men) however feminism assisted in the removal of the Harvester judgement which stated all women earn 1/3 of the base male wage. The rationale there was that a man was supposed to be the breadwinner, however it completely ignored the fact that single mothers and women supporting extended family struggled on a pittance of what a single male earned. If it weren’t for feminism, women working in the public service would be forced to resign upon marriage. Women could not have their own bank accounts, inherit property or apply for bank loans without a male accompanying them. There wouldn’t be a single parenting payment. So I’m eternally grateful to feminism. I am not a homemaker, although I loved being able to have the choice to raise my children, the domestic sphere bores me senseless. I would be living with a great deal of depression if for examp,e I was still living with my ex, dependent on his wage with no career prospects of my own. However in retrospect, I always should have worked and he would have been a better homemaker. It would be far better for many people if it was more socially acceptable for men to be SAHDs, and also if the role was valued
more-socially and financially.
Sorry for the essay-I saw this blog on Twitter and I had to post as it’s one of my pet subjects lol :-)
What I liked about this post:
1. Your recognition that women can’t have it all, all the time.
2. Your thoughts about men – that feminism can be better if it brings a balance that also reassesses men’s roles in the home.
Thanks Louisa!
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Thanks Sally, appreciate your comment!
Great job on this, Lou. You’ve articulated it well.
My husband saw his father miss out on so much of his children’s lives due to work, that he’s made a conscious effort not to become the same person. So he is very hands-on at home with the girls. He also does a large portion of the house duties, despite having a high-stress job with long hours. Not sure how I got so lucky!
Before we had children, we even discussed him staying at home with the kids while I worked. The reality was his career path was set well before then and, when it came down to it, he would always be the bread winner. In saying that, I don’t feel I’ve missed out careerwise. I was successful at what I did and, just as I started feeling like I needed a new change, along came motherhood and a whole new stream of opportunities for me. I don’t regret it a bit!
Sure, juggling it all is pretty darn tough some days. But I can’t complain, because he’s enduring much the same. xx
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I think part of the problem here is that the term ‘feminism’ has been misappropriated. Feminism was never about ‘having it all’, and to make it about that now denies everything that women fought for and makes it about materialism and selfishness. Feminism is about fighting for rights that were historically granted to men as their due – the right to vote, the right to work after marriage, the right to own property, the right to hold superannuation, the right to equal pay for the same work. It’s about being treated as a valuable human being without being demeaned, objectified, sexualised or treated with violence. And while we’re getting there on equal pay and career opportunities, we’re a long way behind in other areas. ‘Family values’ and feminism don’t have to be incompatible, and they’re not when feminism is about seeing women as valuable – and no more or less valuable than a man.
I agree – that’s why I say that feminism is about equality and social, political and economic rights. However, I do believe one practical implication of that in western culture is that as women excel in arenas previously inaccessible to them, the roles that were traditionally covered by the “housewife” haven’t been adequately addressed. Girls aren’t encouraged (en masse) to really consider how these may go together and boys almost certainly aren’t encouraged to consider the option of being a SAHD or not working their way “to the top” so as to be hands-on Dads to their kids. Either that or women and men both choose career over being caregivers. This is obviously a family-centric way of looking at it, borne from my own personal experience.
The problem, as I see it, is that “family values” are heralded as the be all and end all and yet the culture tells a different story – it’s like as long as we use the words we don’t have to change a culture and thus the next generation miss out, (spending 40+hours a week in childcare during their most formative years) and I actually think the parents miss out too.
Longwinded reply but hope this make a bit of sense…
YES! (I’m saying that a lot on your posts lately!)
This has been one of my biggest struggles – being told not just that I ‘can’ have it all but that I ‘should’ have it all. There’s a big difference, with the key point being choice. To me, that is what women fought for – choice – not swapping one rigid rule for another.
Taking up some HR work lately has ignited a lot of this for me again. I was working on some policies the other day and came across an ‘Equal Opportunity for Women’ document – and I was shattered that this is still seen as necessary. Haven’t we moved past that yet?
Things are equali-ish in this household. While Steve works full-time and I work around A, it’s more about what our jobs allow us to do, and we’re lucky that he often finishes early and can come home and be part of our family life more than many working parents. We both work, we both cook, we both clean, but most importantly of all we’re both there for each other and our little girl.
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I agree with your post I think in Australia its near possible. Australia has a work culture that drags behind in the way it protects families and mums compared to europe. In my company in London its normal for people to be 100% homebased, work flexible hours, the days when the kids are sick and mum can’t work seem a normal part of life that everyone just accepts and most parents share this responsibility. Some people finish at 3 and pick up the kids from school or nursery. Then catch up after dinner and everyone accepts this is normal life. My boss came straight off maternity leave back into a promotion and on 4 days a week. The day she doesn’t work her team members gain extra experience covering her role. When we take maternity leave we keep our benefits, they pay our pension, they pay at least 3 months full pay, they pay our bonuses. Women are treated no differently to other workers. We are even paid for all prenatal appointments etc whilst pregnant. Families are valued. We have women who have been on maternity leave and had a family and are on our board. It has not harmed their career at all and they promote for other women to be given the same opportunities to work flexible hours without it harming their career etc. because the company genuinely recognises that their competitive advantage is a diverse workforce that includes families and mums. In fact I am pregnant and I just got a new role within the company. They are totally aware of the fact I am pregnant and will go on leave in 3 months time though it wouldn’t even come into a decision. Moving back to Australia soon to be close to family and friends though am pretty worried that the Australian work culture drags behind so much it will be impossible to have the career and child balance I could have here.
Great post Louisa! And I wholeheartedly agree with what Kate has said. We too, made the decision that I would stay home and raise our children, clean the house and put food on the table, whilst my partner works full time. For us it was simple, he loves his job and it pays well, I love being at home with our kids. BUT I also expect that when he is home, he helps with what needs to be done and invests his time in raising our kids, which he is all to happy to do.
Children don’t need a Mum and a Dad to be raised in a wonderful home, but they do need whatever parent/s they have at home to be fully invested in them, regardless of whether it’s Mum/Dad or both. They learn from us and the example we set and I would hope that our son will learn that his future wife is not to be treated like the help if she stays at home with the kids, nor that her career is any less important than his if she chooses to do both. And that our daughter should not feel like she hasn’t lived up to societies expectations if she chooses not to have a career, nor that she would look down on women who stay at home if she does put a career first.
We are in the perfect position to change the ‘have it all’ matra, by showing our children (and ahem, husbands!) that equality belongs in all areas, not just the workplace. And that they can ‘have it all’, whatever that means to them, not what society says it means.
I choose to ‘have it all’ by being a homemaker, because that is what makes me happy. My son might have it all by choosing to do the same, because his wife wants to ‘have it all’ by running her own company. My daughter may want to ‘have it all’ by being the CEO of a bank or a high profile lawyer. Or they may share both workloads with their partners, so they can ‘have it all’. Whichever way it goes, we raised them to have that freedom. Being a parent is the most rewarding job in the world and our kids are the future. Who’s going to raise them if we’re all out there trying to ‘have it all’ by doing what society expects us to and neglecting their needs?
And Anna, I don’t have children of your daughter’s age but my first thought when I read your comment was what a great opportunity for you to discuss with her her reasonings behind her conclusion. And how lucky you are that she felt she could speak to you about that discussion with her friends, you and your husband are obviously doing a wonderful job in raising her.
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Hi Louisa
So, I mulled over your post all day and now I see lots of others have had their say, and that you read my post today, where I too felt the whole family and work thing.
I’m glad you put your post in the context of your own experience within your own neighbourhood, to give us perspective of where you’re coming from.
For some families, men are working during the hours you mentioned. In poorer communities, men aren’t working at all and women are stuck with raising their children, without support, financial or not. They would probably be very happy if the father was actually out working 80 hours a week to financially support the family, instead of getting drunk or taking drugs.
I take my son to an educational environment once a week, in a very wealthy suburb, where we interact with families much like the ones you describe in your own area.
But, I live in a not-so flash part of town, with lots of social problems including crime. This is where I grew up, and where I’ve chosen to stay, close to my own parents.
I often wonder, if my husband or I were earning the really big bucks like some do – and we had the choice to go out and earn $200-$300,000 a year, which would mean an extremely high standard of living (including the best schools for my son, overseas experiences to broaden his mind, all the resources he needed to reach his highest potential), would I?
On the point about the mothers and women before us, who have contributed tremendously to our position within the community today, I believe the conversation always has to be picked up by the mothers of the day. Things are changing at such rapid paces, that the women who are out there experiencing family and work life, have to keep the conversation current, and therefore be the change.
BTW – I’m having such trouble with your comment box, but letting go of the need to write this perfectly, and just submitted this as is (even though I really want to change certain words here and there!).
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Kate alluded to this in her post. More than anything, I think the “women having it all” has done a disservice to our children.
I’ve been reading Steve Biddulph’s book on raising boys. He asserts that ideally, a boy should not be in a day-care type setting (or out of the care of his mother, other than for short periods) until after age 3.
Women “having it all” has contributed to the rising cost of living, such that most families simply cannot live well on a single income. (I think our increased expectations of what “living well” is also contribute, but that is another story). So, I don’t know of many boys who are not in some amount of care prior to the age of 3 (and many are in full-time care before that age).
I would love to be at home full-time with my kids and we have budgeted for this to happen, but now I have a tricky issue with my profession in that I need to work 1000 hours in 5 years to keep up my qualifications. Having had 3 children close together, I still have 600 hours to “catch-up” before my eldest is 5 (in 18 months).
I would like to give up work altogether but feminism or society or something is telling me I need to keep my qualifications up-to-date. Crazy isn’t it?
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Excellent post.
Something I find challenging, we have a very traditional type arrangement where hub works (away) 4-5 days per week and I do all the house stuff.
I do all the house stuff when he’s home too, he does the outdoorsy stuff.
He’s a very involved Dad, and awesome with our kids but truly from the outside (and sometimes the inside) it can look and feel like something out of the 1950′s.
But that’s not the problem. The problem is that we LIKE it like that. I harbour no resentment whatsoever. I enjoy keeping house and I take pride in it. I love being the primary caregiver, although it is sometimes very very challenging.
But I’m told this is all wrong. That I must be a martyr to ‘put up with’ my lot in life.
And it strikes me that surely feminism shouldn’t just be about arbitrary gains, but about supporting women in whatever they want to do. Even if what they want to do is be a wife/homemaker/mother full time.
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Why does a career and family mean having it all for a woman but not a man? That is the double standard I have a problem with. I am raising my son the same way I was raised– he can do or be whatever he wants if he works hard. I see nothing wrong in at.
Feminism isn’t just about breaking the glass ceiling or the pay gap. Yes they are important but if you as a woman don’t want to work in a corporate world that is okay. If you want to dedicate yourself to our children that is okay. If you want to dedicate yourself to your career that is okay. If you want to dedicate yourself to your career and your children that is okay!
Feminism is all about CHOICE and letting women make those choices for themselves without society weighing in on the matter. Does that make sense?
Love this post Louisa. Would love to write a long post but can’t tonight. xx
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