SmackDown
Firstly I just want to say a huge thank you to you for the comments, emails and FB messages you have sent me since my last post – they have meant so much, and been a huge encouragement.
Yesterday was a much better day for the most part. Today Bliss is at Kinder/Childcare so I expect that we may have some hiccups in the getting home-fed-bathed-to bed side of things tonight but that’s pretty normal for Wednesday nights in my house!
After Monday’s confessional I want to talk about smacking.
Obviously I revealed the other day that I smacked Bliss and so I thought I’d share with you my very contradictory approach to this highly emotive topic before handing over to you.
- Generally I don’t smack
- Sometimes (very very occasionally) I do smack
- I have pulled Bliss’ pants down and smacked her on *only* a handful of times most of which have revolved around her ignoring me and thus putting herself in huge danger. Most, but not all *cue Monday*.
- When Bliss was younger, before she understood concepts of reason and danger I would smack her hand very gently as a teaching tool (I know some of you just died inside). Once she was able to understand, I stopped smacking.
- I always thought, and largely have acheived, not smacking in anger so as not to confuse my reaction with the “crime” involved. Largely, but not always *cue Monday*
- I don’t think smacking is effective
- I still do it sometimes
- I have not smacked Bear but he’s only 7.5months so….time will tell.
Over to you. Is your approach as contradictory as mine, is this something you struggle with or do you have strong views and clear boundaries? How do you deal with people who have an equally strong but opposite approach?
Incoming search terms:
- Pants down Smack Bottom
- Pants down Smacked Bottom
- pants pulled down and smacked bottom little boy
- smacked bottom
- bottom smack
Mummble
Stitch Baby + Kids
I don’t think smacking works, but I have done it.
I have ‘resorted’ to it when I was incredibly frustrated – usually when I was at my worst of sleep deprivation and trying to deal with a challenging child.
I don’t think a very occasional smack will do any long term harm (I have a fantastic r’ship with my parents and I know I was occasionaly smacked), yet at the same time I don’t think it is ideal. Certainly, for our son he responds much better to explanations, reasons and gentle discipline.
The time I have done it I have felt absolutely awful. Gut wrrechingly so. I don’t plan on ever doing it again – but only time will tell.
Melissa recently posted..book review- Lost and Found
You just described my approach exactly LOL
Ideally, I would have liked to not smack my kids. Realistically… they got smacked sometimes. Sometimes you just need a quick response and time out won’t cut it.
Beet recently posted..Just keep painting- painting- painting
I am the product of a set of parents who believed in smacking regardless of age if it was deserved…consequently I was on the recieving end until my early teens. It was not pleasant. it was not always warranted (IMHO), and has been known to make me resent the said parents when it was not meted out justly, or if my siblings missed out on a smack for an identical crime.
That said, I am not against smacking. I am against it being used wantonly in anger and without explanation (when the child is old enough to understand). I am not against it being used in times of danger or when consequences have been clearly explained, understood and then flouted.
My only child is still 16 months old…we shall see how my ideas develop.
Julia recently posted..The Good News
I don’t believe smacking works for my children, although I have smacked my eldest.
The worst time for it was just prior to to starting the assessment process for our son, and our daughter was not sleeping. I would often reach the end of my tether, and nothing I said would get through to our son, coupled with sleep deprivation, and I would end up smacking.
Our son has since been diagnosed with ASD, he is having therapy which has made a huge positive impact on his behaviour, along with modifying his diet, and our daughter sleeping better, so I haven’t become so worked up that I’ve ended up smacking in almost 12 months.
While I don’t agree with smacking in theory, I have done it, more than I’d like to admit, and I completely get how and why it happens, especially when you feel you have no other option for disciplining your child.
Georgia recently posted..Hello 30!
I have to confess that I do believe in smacking…Smacking, not child abuse. That said I also have to say that I don’t like doing it and, in actual fact rarely need to. We use 123 Magic in our house, and we find that from the age of about 2 or 3 it works well enough that we don’t need to smack.
I think that the important thing is that kids do need to be disciplined. If the do not learn from an early age to respect authority and other people, then it becomes impossible to teach it to them later. You only have to look at the way society is going to know that this is true
I am expecting my first in April so this has certainly been interesting reading but has not changed my ideas about how I would like to approach disciplining my future children.
My parents used smacking as discipline on occasion, and as some here have already pointed out, is also often unequally dispersed on the offspring. Put it down to personality or whatever you like but my brother was diagnosed with ADHD (though i certainly wondered myself at times if he was just a boisterous inattentive boy at times who did not have school on his list of favorite things to do) so he certainly had a lot more smacking than I did. The only problem I have with smacking is that once it becomes part of your ‘routine’ dicipline for a child the parent may tend to resort to it quicker than its really needed OR lash out of anger and feel justified for doing so because you think it may well have reached the point as smack was needed anyway. I think my Dad possibly did this on the rare occassion and is where i think it can become a little tricky (parents are human after all and habit is a strong force to be reckoned with).
I think that smacking is a very good way to demonstrate consequences to certain behaviors. The best thing I believe would be to of course explain to the child after being sent to time out or a few minutes after the fact to ensure that they understand (of course this is age warranted). I do believe that without smacking there may be some instances where a consequence has not been taught to the child (age depending, perhaps also on the attitude of the child when debriefing the issue?…). I believe this is a big issue with children I see in the present day, lack of consequences and respect for others which has also been said by a reply above.
I am 25 myself and have 2 nephews under the age of 4 and find that smacks on the bottom are sometimes the only way the child will stop the behavior…..
I don’t think smacking is effective most of the time so I think I am going to be as contradictory as you. I am sure I will smack when the time comes but I have talked it over with my husband and we’ve set ourselves some ground rules:
> It’s never to be the first response to an incident unless the child puts himself/another child in danger (for example running across a road)
> It’s always to be through clothing not skin to skin
> If the child is too young to understand then smacking is not an option
And I’m pretty sure we’ll break those ground rules sometimes when our patience is at an end or when we haven’t slept.
Glowless recently posted..He Did What! Wednesday – By Darkly Wise- Rudely Great
I think you pretty much described my approach as well. I think different things will work in different situations depending on the child. I also try to use a combination of 123 magic and the positive parenting program.
Alicia = Madcap Mum recently posted..Killing the Mood
I too believe in smacking and think a smack works if you have given them warnings, said you will warm bottoms if they do it again. I think it also depends on the child. Nieve listens to reason and a raised voice. Keira, who is 3 and a half, got two smacks yesterday. She is stubborn, string willed and oh so cute wrapped into one. If I say it’s blue she says it’s pink…get my drift.
I also think that schools need to reintroduce corporal punishment. Kids do not respect rules and adults….but that’s another blog.
I think sometimes we all do things that aren’t our ‘idea’ way of parenting. Don’t rack yourself with too much guilt – it’s OK for her to learn that you’re human and that your patience isn’t never-ending :)
Megan @ Writing Out Loud recently posted..The Terrible Twos
Yep, I’m a smacking mess of contradiction. I *know* smacking doesn’t work on Amy. Yet I still do it sometimes, because shit, if time out doesn’t work, and taking away toys/privileges doesn’t work, what do I have left? A smack.
I didn’t smack until she was three(ish) (I think) because before that, it was all baby stuff, not deliberate defiance and naughtiness.
As it is, I smack more than I realistically think I ought to and I feel like I should have something to fall back on that *isn’t* smacking, but nothing else works. And neither does smacking either, really, but it’s better than curling up in a ball and crying about discipline.
Well, I’m not a parent so I can’t comment on what *works*… I don’t really have too much of a problem with smacking as such – obviously it depends very much on things like the level of anger/lack of control involved, as well as the child themselves. I have at least two siblings who could (theoretically, obviously) have been smacked to oblivion and it would have made no difference. Another sibling, on the other hand, would have behaved well for two weeks after one tiny smack… so I believe it’s very much a case-by-case call.
The only thing that did make me a little uncomfortable is that you pulled her pants down to smack her. This introduces an element of shame/humiliation and that has the potential to send messages that will last longer than a smack. I know I’m probably bringing my own issues into this, having a background of abuse – and I’m not for ONE SECOND suggesting you’re being abusive, even unintentionally – but I still reacted a little when I read that.
Anyway, just my 2c. Please don’t take it as a criticism; I think your approach is quite balanced.
Firstly, thanks for being so honest. That takes courages – especially with such an emotive topic. Personally I actually think smacking is a very effective as a form of dicipline -but I don’t think it sends the right message to our kids. Having said that just let me say yes I have smacked. Not something I’m proud of but sometimes you need quick effective dicipline.
Caz recently posted..What we did today
I don’t believe smacking is effective, however just like you and so many others I do it on occasion. Specifically when nothing else is working. It has only happened a handful of times with both girls and I hate it each time.
Actually, I want to clarify that thought. I believe there ARE children who need smacking. Not abusing, but definitely smacking. My youngest brother was one of those children. In fact, all four of us were smacked and I don’t feel it was bad for us.
I am with Caz, though, that it doesn’t send the kind of message I want my children to pick up. Like you, I did tap Ellie’s hand when she was younger but when Kahlei came along I stopped as I didn’t want her to think she could start being physical in any way with the baby.
Thank you for your honesty. Now to read why we’re talking about this..
Becky from BeckyandJames.com recently posted..5 Ways in 5 Days- Day 5 Magic Hair
I don’t smack. I was never smacked as a child, so possibly that’s part of it. I don’t believe it works, but more than that I wouldn’t want it to work. I don’t like the lesson it teaches children.
But I totally get the incongruent parenting thing. I have of late, resorted to telling Riley that I will leave without her if she doesn’t hurry up. Because it works. But I hate the idea of using the threat of abandonment to get her to move. Sometimes I’m ok with it. When I say either get ready or you can stay here with your dad and I’ll go on my own. That’s more natural consequence territory. It’s the other kind of threat, the one where I threaten to leave her completely on her own. That makes me feel icky inside, even when I’m doing it.
And even aside from that, sometimes when I lose my temper I can see how far I am from the person I’d like to be. But I think the most important thing is to try to show love and affection for my toddler, especially when she’s at her most unloveable. And I have to be willing to do that for me too.
Zoey @ Good Goog recently posted..179-365 Play Time
Oh heck, in my post “Not My Finest Moment” I wrote about smacking my Little Miss on her bottom for not listening. I am not really even certain how I feel about it and I know that I did it out of frustration, not to teach her anything, so it was definitely not the right thing to do.
If I am honest with myself, I don’t think that it really accomplishes much. It certainly doesn’t teach the kids anything. I guess it can get across the point that you are upset but that it about it.
Parenting is tough and there are times when we are doing to make the wrong choices or regret our actions. Ultimately, I think that we all need to cut ourselves some slack and move beyond the moment. If you truly feel that you were wrong, apologize to Bliss, explain that you were frustrated but you should not have smacked her and then give her the biggest hug she has ever had.
Jenn Fox recently posted..Of Blogging and Comments – Updated
Okay – I’m going to be a little different here – I think that you are going through a really, really rough time and that being a Mum is absolutely exhausting and that you are doing things as well as you can and as a Mum that is all you can do…
And I can’t stand on a soap box and be all ‘holier than thou” and say I’ve never ever tapped/hit (not hard enough to leave even a red spot) my childs hand when they were younger and grabbed something dangerous , or that I haven’t held then extra tightly when they were trying to get at something not allowed – but smacking – never done it.
I’ve never seen the point.
I wasn’t smacked as a child and the exclusion from the rest of the family worked with me – I get that it doesn’t on all kids…but my kids have had a dad throw them roughly on a bed, pick them up roughly, been screamed at by him and the result to watch has been horrible – thus I don’t do it.
Yes, my daughter drove me mad and still does. She is defiant and stubborn and most days I’m can be heard to say after she has sulked her way off that sometimes I just want to throw something at her – but I don’t.
I guess everyone has different parenting lines, everyone was brought up differently everyone has had a different life and is a different person so will respond to things differently…
One thing that got to me though, really affected me about your story though was the pulling down of her pants to smack her – that I really can’t understand – lashing out when you are just so angry and frustrated and upset, sure, but pulling down her pants to do it, that has thought in it, thought to cause most pain, and isn’t the point of smacking, from most of the pro comments I’ve read, to give them a short sharp shock as opposed to actual longer term pain? Maybe I just don’t work that way, maybe I’ll never get it, but there’s my – woah $5 worth now – sorry for long post.
Oh and btw I’ve noticed many people recommending a course or therapy – I’d totally agree with that – parenting is too hard to do alone, I wish I had done some kind of course, maybe now I’d be able to cope with my sulky 11 yr old….
Like everyone else I’m aware that smacking doesn’t work but I still did it. Ok do it. Not to the point where they flinch in pain & only on their hand or bottom. I know I should stop but at times all the explaining & even sarcasm or self pity talk just does not work.
Norlin recently posted..Fashion Day – BDIB Prep School & White Shirt Day
I made a pact with myself when the munchkin was born that I would never, ever hit him. We have a very strict rule in our house about hitting (smacking to me is just another word for hitting) and what applies to him applies to us all.
I totally understand how a tired, worn out mum can spank a child. I’ve come pretty close myself a few times, but although the fire breathing dragon has emerged on occasion, I have kept my word.
I grew in a time when spanking was a totally acceptable form of punishment, with a mum who was young, tired and often overwhelmed. Years later we discovered that during that time she was often suffering from depression. What she would have viewed as “normal” discipline at the time would have come very close to today’s definition of abuse. It leaves scars, let me tell you. I’m sure that the odd smack once or twice probably doesn’t cause long term damage, but when combined with the frustration, overwhelm and sometimes downright anger that can arise when dealing with small children day to day, I can see how the line can be crossed. I prefer to keep that line intact, to protect both of us.
I don’t think smacking works at all and I don’t think it makes anyone learn anything except that smacking is wrong. BUT, I’ve done it. Once. I’ve hated myself for it because I know that that smack was not a carefully planned parenting style, no way. It was a frustrated mother lashing out at the absolute end of her tether. Not a hugely heavy smack, on the bottom, but whatever, you know? There are no excuses, it’s not okay. It’s regrettable, humiliating, cowardly stuff and it was that lack of control I felt that scared me into never, ever smacking my children gain.
So, what I did was get a list together of other things to do when I felt that total frustration. I got myself a plan.
And that is why I have to say that I can’t condone smacking. Not ever. Not when there are so many alternatives. x
Maxabella recently posted..Something new to add about blogging
This may upset some, but I have positive feelings about how I was smacked as a child. Always on the hand, always after a short wait in my room so mum/dad could calm down first. The wait was the worst! But then it was a short sharp smack… discipline over… and mum/dad would stay around for a cuddle and a chat. It was over and done with in seconds and put in the past. And we knew when we deserved it. It sure was a good deterrent to trying again. And I know when mum said “stop!” when we were running along the pavement, we STOPPED. I know there are other methods of discipline that are effective – time out for example, and my daughter is hugely responsive to a rewards chart for changing behaviours. But I think there is a place for controlled, considered smacking in cases of direct disobediance too.
There is a world of difference between and smack and a hit.
My kids are older (21 and 18) and I did smack them, just like my Mum smacked me. I believe it is a tool to be used when needed, when reasoning and naughty chairs and one, two, three’s haven’t worked. It is a tap on the bottom, it is smack, it is not a hit. It must be done in a controlled and considered way and not done in anger or frustration.
I wish I could say I was, and did all these things. I know I wasn’t everytime, it isn’t easy, but who ever said parenting was. But I still stand by my belief smacking is something which should be used when circumstances warrant it.
I once saw a Dad in a supermarket with a three year old in the trolley. All the way around, the little boy was pushing his luck, being naughty, not listening or doing as he was told. His Father had tried all the usual techniques, including distration and ignoring and rewarding good behaviour. I felt he had the patience of a saint, because he didn’t seem to be getting frustrated.He was trying all the tools he could to influence and change his son’s naughty behaviour. At the checkout, I heard him quietly explaining that if he did ‘that again’ Daddy would smack is bottom. It was his last warning. The boy, did it again and his Dad lifted him out of the trolley, smacked him on his bottom once and then carefully put him back into the trolley. The boy didn’t make another peep after that. I applaud that man. Although it was a shock that someone was smacking in public (it was just after all the hoo ha the first time around) it was the right thing to do.
I don’t think I smacked my daughter past the age of 5 and my son was 7. If I had a next time, would I still smack? Yes I would because sometimes it is what is needed.
FayC recently posted..Listography – Albums by Band
I came over after reading an interesting post at Maxabella Loves and am so glad I did as I have enjoyed reading your blog. As for the smacking, all I can says is this – ignore everyone else & trust yourself. You known how you feel, what situation has arisen and the 1000 other factors that crowd our days and minds. I have 3 kids & have smacked them all at some time or another; it’s not standard practice but I don’t beat myself up over it either. I’ve only read the comment above by FayC and can only reiterate her words.
MD x
Modern Dilemma recently posted..Control-Alt-Delete of an MD Brain
Pingback: The 11 Most Popular Posts for 2011 | Louisa Claire