My baby is amazing…but I feel so guilty.
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Last week I did a Leadership and Management Course at Bible College. It was truly amazing and I learnt some incredible stuff – can’t wait to tell you all about it…another time. It did mean that my darling girl had to be cared for by different people each day, for a full 8.30-5.30 day, each day. She coped and in fact barely seemed to notice!
This week she spent her usual 3 hours with Grandma on Monday and then her usual Tuesday away from me. I was all lined up for 3 fab Mummy Days. Tues I awoke feeling really weak, strange…Wed, the same. I went to a girlfriends for lunch and a play date and as I watched my friend kindly make lunch I realised that I wouldn’t have had the energy to do it, had I been the one hosting. I probably should have realised that not having the energy to do something simple like make a sandwhich isn’t normal. I came home, started getting the girl ready for bed and felt totally wasted. About an hour later I was lying in bed shivering under 3 doonas, it took me all of 45minutes to have the energy to get up and come to the living room where it was warmer and even then I needed the HH to help me. I got to the couch and started crying, I just felt so sick.
Thurs am and I was due to collect good friends from the airport and spend the morning with them. I haven’t seen them in over 6 months and they are only here for a few days; this was my only chance to see them. I convinced myself that I was OK and got up. I collapsed on the floor outside my room, again dissolving into tears.
The HH insisted I get back into bed and he began the search for a babysitter for LP. My gorgeous friend happily obliged. He texted my inbound friends to let them know I wasn’t going to make it and I proceeded to sleep for 4 hours. Upon waking, I was off to the Dr with a temp of almost 39 degrees (101-102 farenheit), tonsillitis and a secondary infection. My dr. was very sympathetic which made me feel like I wasn’t being completely melodramatic. Back home and back to sleep for another 4+ hours.
Today I have sent my baby girl off to be looked after again. This time by a nanny I have not met but whom looks after two friends babies each Friday which is exacerbating the guilt. She knows the other baby, and one of the Mum’s – whom we know well, is in the house working. Every other day she has been with a good friend and/or their family – gosh we have been blessed to be able to organise that for so many days now…I just wish that I could be looking after her today. She didn’t cry when she left the house with Dad this morning but she didn’t look happy either, I could see that she was confused about why she wasn’t going to be with me today and I am feeling so anxious and worried about what this is doing to her and whether it’s going to make her feel less trusting of me, or less loved…
Ok, well that’s my whinge. I am sure you’re thrilled to have stopped by my blog today…Sorry guys, I’ll try to have something more upbeat for you next time…