This is what Ginger (really?) is saying after I just burst into tears on the phone to HH.
I feel so incredibly hormonal today and though nothing has “happened” I really hate feeling like this, and being so impatient, so short-tempered with my daughter – this is not how we or I want to parent. Yelling and snapping are NOT our parenting strategies and yet they are becoming more frequent. Not yelling on impulse takes all the willpower I have in me. I feel like as the past few weeks have passed I’ve gone backwards in my parenting – both in parenting practice and in my emotional state. Tonight, the girlie was lucky to get dinner and when she did is was eggs on toast with vegemite. WHAT?! We haven’t been at that point in a loooooong time. What frustrates me most is that there is no tangible reason for it. I know that being 39 weeks pregnant is a reason but it doesn’t feel like one. Lots of women do this all the time, how come I feel like a train wreck?
My mum comes Sat week and today, I honestly have no idea how I am going to get through the next 9 days until she arrives. I actually thought I was coping better until I realised that Monday I thought I was going into labour so the TV was on all morning and Tues she went to childcare in the morning. Wed we did well until we got to the OBGYN and then I spent the afternoon trying to still the torrent within me with a mantra that went something like “It’s ok…it’s ok…it’s not that bad…don’t be angry” AND thankfully the girl had a sleep…unlike today.
Of course, not only is my body picking up on all this stress (though for goodness sake I must have the best blood pressure in the world because when the girl had a complete meltdown when I was with the OBGYN yesterday and I was tearing my hair out trying to have a serious convo with the Dr while she had a tantrum, I STILL had perfect blood pressure. bloody annoying really!) but the girlie is too and her behaviour is ALREADY regressing. She has gone from being really good sharer and good playmate (and believe me when I say we worked on these traits with her, our spirited child) back to snatching and pushing and, she is strong! Thankfully, as “robust” as she was with her fellow 2.5yo, she was as gentle as a feather with the 3 month old baby – definitely grateful for that!
I have no idea if this post is at all coherent but I certainly feel better having gotten this all off my chest. You know, I think the reason I love to vent here rather than in a real conversation is that I just can just talk – it can just be about me. How selfish is that?! It’s not that I don’t value the input of others or the relational nature of the vent it’s just that sometimes it’s easier this way.
Oh, my plan did sort of work this arvo.
So I did this.