Looking In The Mirror At 30
When I looked in the mirror as a teen, I rarely liked what I saw. I compared myself to my super-slim girlfriends and mistook my curves as “fat” instead of sexy. Now as an adult, I look back on photos like this one with disbelief because man, I look amazing! I am quite horrified that I thought I looked anything by beautiful…is it weird to say that? I’m talking to my 17yr old self here…
And here I am again, at the end of 2000 in the Cook Islands again feeling like the fat one …
This photo was taken last Jan and it’s only now that I look back on it that I see the definition in my neck and the lightness of my smile and think I actually look nice.
I confess I found myself in tears last week. Having not regained my “sexy” curves and feeling a little more frumpy than I’d like I had a minor meltdown. By minor I mean my Mum was so worried she offered to fly down for the day on Thursday to take me shopping.
I’m learning that I can’t see what’s in front of me. When I do feel happy with how I look I worry that I’m deluding myself and not being “self aware”. I seem to have a deeply rooted belief that there is always going to be something wrong with me.
Today I am wearing my black maternity pants with a new 3/4sleeve black top. I teamed it with a colourul necklace and my funky green and pink shoes and this is what I saw:
A new body.
It’s got more curves than I’d like at the moment, but my baby is only 5 months old. Be kind to yourself Louisa.
I have carried, birthed and fed two people with this body.
I nurture my children with this body.
I play with my children with this body.
I am made a wife with this body.
One day, I pray that this body will carry, birth and feed more children.
It’s a new body, but it’s my body I need to hear this voice more often…be kind to yourself Louisa.
I know that I don’t want to look back on photos in another 20years time and regret the time I wasted feeling frumpy when I could have felt beautiful.