Why I Don’t Want To Be Happy
If I had a dollar for the number of times I’ve heard someone say that they just want their kids to be happy I think I’d be pretty rich.
That’s not to say it isn’t something I’ve thought on occasion. I have, and the older they get and the more of the world they encounter, the more I want for them to be happy…by which I really mean, I want them to be OK – not marred by a world that can be cruel and relentless.
But I don’t really want them to be happy and I don’t want to be a seeker of happiness myself. Why?
Happiness is fleeting. Being happy is light and fluffy and as much as it’s deep and meaningful. My yellow shoes make me happy, a good nights sleep makes me happy, a day in the sun with people I love makes me happy. But thrown in a child having a tantrum or spilling their entire, sticky, drink all over me or perhaps a long day and a late lunch and all of a sudden the sun isn’t enough to make me happy – I’m tired, cranky and uncomfortable. That’s life. It’s not all peaches and sunshine and that’s entirely normal. If I desire nothing more than happiness, I will be constantly disappointed.
Happiness doesn’t teach. If someone was happy all the time (not that I believe such a person exists) what kind of depth would there be to them? It’s the downs as much, or perhaps more, than the ups, that teach us. We learn patience, empathy, tenacity and so much more through the times when we are unhappy, or when life is hard. Being challenged and pushed are good things, and make us deeper and richer people. I want my children to be strong and courageous, to have good problem solving skills and empathy for people facing hardship. These are not qualities they will learn from being happy all the time.
Happiness is superficial. There are many things I want out of life and I am so blessed to live in a time and place where the possibilities are tremendous. At the end of the day I don’t want to be “happy”, and I don’t want my kids to “just be happy”. I want us to be people who respond well during the times when we are not happy.
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Mummble
Stitch Baby + Kids
I’ve thought about a post similar to this and what I was going to write was it’s far more important for people to be confident, than happy. For confidence brings with it the ability to cope with all that life throws at you – good and bad. Love this, and love the way you think!
Kate @ Our Little Sins recently posted..day 82 | 100 Pantone postcards project
Thanks Kate and thanks for commenting! Appreciate it :)
This is a great post, Louisa! So very true and a good reminder and thought to chew on!
Thanks Rebekah!
I’m not sure if it’s just Western society, but people seem to be on an endless pursuit of happiness – which just goes to show that it is a fleeting emotion. The real pursuit should be of something much deeper – contentment, joy that lasts, despite our circumstances. I don’t believe there’s anything wrong with being happy – and I love when my kids are happy – but I agree that it’s important for them (and us!) to realise that life isn’t always rosy. And while we can choose to be happy, I believe that it’s our ability to deal with the ups and downs of life that develop character and say more about a person, rather than chasing an elusive state of happiness.
Deb @ Aspiring Mum recently posted..Of Good Sports and The Rubbish Media.
Yes, this! Thanks Deb :)
Yay, I love this post!!
Thanks Anna. x
Unhappiness (well bipolar depression) has taught me many things. That I am stronger than I ever thought. That this will end. That nothing is permanent. That I am still a person without my flashy job and even flashier apartment.
All I ever wanted was a husband, one child and a dog and I have that. Bipolar depression has peeled down the layers and made me more authentic, instead of a slightly arrogant corporate soldier. I wouldn’t say I thank it but its brutality has taught me more than happiness.
Great post, Louisa. xxx
Madam Bipolar (@SawHole) recently posted..5 Treatments for Bipolar Depression You May Not Know—Yet
Beautiful comment Lisa, thanks for sharing! x
I don’t actually think there is anything wrong with wanting to be happy. But I guess the reality of it is, you don’t know happiness unless you have all the other stuff in between.
Mandy recently posted..5 Ways to love your Children
I think that’s true – I love feeling happy but it’s the other stuff in life that both gives me perspective about it and also helps me appreciate those truly blissful moments!
I thought that was very simplistic actually. I think the true meaning of happiness has been lost and misconceptions like these are the reason behind it. Happiness is defined as a mental or emotional state of well-being which is characterized by positive or pleasant emotions ranging from content to intense joy. Well-being is defined by things like environment, physical and mental health, education, recreation, leisure time and social belonging
We tend to feel it most when life is effortless and things are going our way, and while that is part of our sense of well-being and part of life in general, it certainly doesn’t mean when things are not that we lose it. You can have a state of well-being even in times of hardship when you’re mature and wise enough to accept and be content with the ups and downs that are just part of life. Wanting happiness for others or your children doesn’t mean you foolishly hope that nothing bad will ever happen to them or that they will never face hardships or sorrow, because they will anyway, it just means you don’t want them to be defined or destroyed by them.
Happiness is not something as simplistic as having a ‘good’ day or having a lot of friends or having everything go your way. It’s an ever changing and developing state of well-being that includes both joy and sorrow. It’s so easy to say the pursuit of happiness is destructive and fleeting because we don’t always feel “intense joy”, but it is if that’s your definition of happiness.
Personally, I don’t like the word happiness because of its subjective and ambiguous nature but for the sake of this post, I would describe myself as a happy person. Not because I’m in a good mood today or because I’m having a good day, but because I have a very strong and secure sense of well-being. I accept there will be challenges in life and when I’m going through a difficult time, not only do I believe that hard times build character and life skills but I’m also a huge believer in things happening for a reason and therefore I acknowledge it and struggle sometimes but I always get through it because I know I always will.
I really loved your comment and the way you have defined happiness, I think perhaps you are right – that the true meaning of the word has been lost or is perhaps, ambiguous. I believe we are in many ways saying the same thing but using different words. I do think that the term “happiness” is used in a very superficial way a lot of the time and that the idea of being “unhappy” has become something we want to shun in our first world, affluent culture and that’s really what I have been wanting to convey through writing this post. I don’t think that everything happens for a reason though, I think somethings that happen are just truly awful and that’s part of living in an imperfect world.
Thanks. After I posted this I sensed we might actually be saying the same thing also. It definitely gave me something constructive to think about today though. Just wanted to add, I don’t think everything happens for a reason either. I really just meant we (as people) go through suffering and difficult times for a reason but I agree that somethings that happen in this world are just senseless and awful. Cheers!
For myself a sense of well being is my happy state. Being well rested, surrounded by people I love. I think a downfall for some people is to place stock solely in things to make them happy. Relying on the external rather than experiencing happiness within. I think resilience is the key and a true sense of confidence. That’s what I want for my kids.
Laney @ Crash Test Mummy recently posted..Chasing the light in Greenwich Village
I have re posted the last paragraph of your words (with a link) to my personal fb page as getting tired of those people who moan all day about Oh woe is my sh**ty day. As a mum of a profoundly disabled and unwell child I sometimes wish I could share the secret my boy has taught me, that things can be really awful but you can be ok and even have more days where u r filled with contentment and dare I say happiness than dread and woe. My son is not getting better, he doesn’t laugh or smile and has uncontrolled epilepsy, somedays I think the sun is never going to shine again but more often than not our love makes everything ok. So I think what I am saying is I think “happiness” or “okness” comes from love. And not the I love you for what you can do for me love but the love that connects people without words or actions…..
rosierose recently posted..Toyworld
I’d change happiness for peacefully…I’d like to live peacefully. From peace I learn to listen to myself :)
I want to be happy. I want my kids to be happy. I will choose happiness whenever I have the power or strength to choose. Like MS above I truly believe that Happiness is a subjective term and can be interpreted many ways. I see Happiness in so many ways: contentment, enlightenment, resilience, tolerance, in seeing the positive in a situation.
I want to be happy.
Natalie @ MummySmiles recently posted..Two Years On and I Still Miss You
Well, how could I not reply when I use the term in both my online identity and my tagline ‘Writing, living and finding my happy’ – and I think therein lies the key to why I use the term – finding *my* happy. Which to me is about the delight and joy in discovering what lights me up, not really a dogged pursuit of some ideal. Happiness is a light filled term, for sure, but I wouldn’t consider it to be ‘superficial’. What a thought provoking article Louisa – thank you.
Happylan recently posted..Seeking Solace
I was thinking about this just yesterday. If there is one thing I want my son to be, it is resilient, because that will see him through the good times and the bad, it will give him the ability to get back up when life inevitably knocks him down. You’re right that happiness is wonderful but if a person only knows how to be happy, then they will likely fall apart when faced with hardship or grief.
Resilience, it’s not romantic or pretty, but I think it’s a wonderful characteristic and one I hope to instil in my son.
Interesting post.
I’d take “happy” over the alternative quick, fast and in a doggone hurry.
I’m not, these days, someone that I would define as happy. I think I spend a fair amount of my time stressed, pissed off, and in a funky mood. (Believe it or not, this is a vast improvement over where I was even a year ago.)
When you’re where I am now—and especially where I was—you’d jump on a chance at “happy” like it had stolen something.