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Please forgive any typos or grammatical errors, the girl is stirring so no time for editing!
Hi friends, it’s been a while I realise, but I just want to thank those of you who commented or emailed after my last post – I really appreciated your love, support and prayers. Last week was rotten.
I read a post by Carly last night and her words are far more eloquent than mine when she talks about trying to understand how God works through tragic and horrific circumstances. It’s a beautiful post but she starts with a story of a family who were caught in the fires and, without wanting to deny the suffering of this family, if you are in an emotionally vulnerable state at the moment I suggest you skip the first part of the post and start in the fifth or sixth paragraph.
These words of hers probably best sum up how I have been feeling over the past little while, “I am trying to believe that God is love, its just so hard when there is so much hurt. My heart is damaged, damaged from all the pain that so many people in this world are enduring. I am not asking for anyone to assure me that God is real. I believe He is. You don’t need to tell me that He loves me.” Thanks Carly, I’m glad I’m not the only one.
And yet through it all God is faithful and there, nudging me along, reminding me of his love, faithfulness and presence in this world – love, faithfulness and presence that I have not just read about but experienced firsthand, and yet letting me rage, in my case, a bit like a kid having a tantrum.
I don’t know if it’s because of my line or work, my stage of life, or the extent of my “network” but I have been really confronted of late about the number of families who are being broken or down right destroyed due to disease, accident, tragedy. I’ve been challenged to ask “Why pray? What’s the point?” It’s been an overwhelming time which became too close to home last week.
I was struggling to understand how God works in times like this and then it just got way too personal.*
This was also during the final week of semester where I was getting up at 5.30am to get my final assessment submitted and my darling daughter seemed to have a radar that led to her waking up whenever I was trying to get the work done. It was VERY frustrating, sleep deprived, anguished week.**
THEN I went to a Skin Specialist to have my moles checked and was told that one needed to come off ASAP and another should come off too.
These last two things are relatively minor but on top of everything led to me feeling continually anxious and stressed, waking up with anxiety dreams. My husband has been truly AMAZING because quite frankly, I have been a bitch of a wife lately. Not that he would say so :)
But God IS at work, and this past week I have seen it again. I have been praying for a future and a hope (Jer 29:11) and God has given it. I will keep praying and more importantly, keep trusting that prayer does matter, humbled by His immense Grace and patience, in the face of my doubts, despair and demands.
Last night I prayed for Carly, Jaci and Sarah – three women I know only via blogland who are all facing various challenges at this time, whom I committed into the hands of God, marveling at how amazing it is to have been covered by many of your prayers of late, and to be doing the same for others through this thing called the internet. I awoke this morning to great encouragement at Jaci’s most recent post. More encouragement, more grace and incredible wisdom, a further example of a gracious God at work in His world.
Perhaps none of this makes sense to you, perhaps it resonates closely – I don’t know. I do know that wherever you are today and whatever you are doing, there is a God, a maker who created and sustains the world, despite the many many ways we are destroying it, who loves you, personally and deeply, who can be known and made himself known in Jesus Christ, and who would love you to say Hello and help you get through the day.
*The HH, LP and myself are all fine and, as far as we know, in good health. I don’t feel that it’s appropriate for me to share the details of this situation here, at least not yet, I know you understand – we choose to blog, not our families and sometimes that boundary needs to be respected.
**Amazing but I received a distinction, which I don’t say to boast but because it was an encouragement to me that not only did I learn a HUGE amount through this course both academically and in terms of my own personal, spiritual growth but this learning is based on a “theology” and “exegesis (understanding of the Bible from it’s original translation and applying it to our context today)” that makes sense. Who would have thought?!